As Jews around the world prepare for their Passover Seder, we are reminded that the Israelites had to choose between living in fear by staying in Egypt OR risking everything to escape slavery and wander the desert.
Survivors of domestic abuse face a similar dilemma. They live in fear at home but the idea of leaving has a lot of uncertainty, as well. The obstacles and barriers to leaving often keep them trapped in an abusive relationship, feeling powerless and ashamed.
This Passover, consider adding these barriers to leaving when you recite the 10 plagues at your Seder.
Reasons #WhyIStayed:
- The abuse is not 24/7. There is a cycle of abuse in the relationship, with a mix of good times, love and hope along with manipulation, intimidation and fear. It may be easier to minimize the bad times and focus on the good times.
- The children. It is difficult to be a single parent, and the person who abuses them may have told them that they are a bad parent or threatened that they will never see the children again if they leave.
- Finances. Over 90% of survivors say that money is the reason they cannot leave an abusive relationship. They may lack the ability to support themselves and/or their children financially or they lack information and access to cash, bank accounts, or assets.
- Shame. People do not know what happens behind closed doors in an abusive relationship. A relationship or marriage may seem perfect when it isn’t, which leads to a sense of shame that appearances do not match reality.
- The abuse they’re enduring has become normalized. Someone experiencing abuse may believe that their abuser’s behavior is caused by stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment, or other factors. In reality, the person perpetrating abuse is in full control. The behaviors are not a normal way to deal with stress, and they are only acting this way at home and only towards their partner.
- They don’t think they can make it on their own. Constant criticism and belittling comments erode a person’s self-esteem, to the point they feel completely dependent on the abusive partner for their survival.
- Fear of being alone. Isolation from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or because they feel “ashamed” of the abuse and try to hide signs of it from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
- Fear of not being believed. Often, a perpetrator of abuse is seen as a good person to others. This causes concern for the survivor, as their relationship does not match what others see.
- Fear for safety. The most dangerous time for a survivor is when they attempt to leave an abusive relationship. They rightfully fear that the perpetrator will become more violent and may become lethal if the survivor attempts to leave.
- Religious and cultural barriers The community may blame the survivor for breaking up the family. In addition, religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce and keep the victim trapped in the relationship.
At SHALVA, we use a client-centered counseling approach that recognizes that they are the expert in their life experience and know what is best for them. No matter a survivor’s reason for staying in a relationship, we accept their decision and walk with them on their journey to healing.
