“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”
― Ursula K. Le Guin
This Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I want to consider the impacts of trauma within a partnership. As a therapist, something that stands out to me about trauma is the impact it has on self-image. Most people who experience PTSD report feelings of shame and low self-esteem associated with the trauma, regardless of their specific experience. According to available statistics, “nationwide, 81% of women and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime.” (National Sexual Violence Resource Center). With such high rates, it is likely safe to assume that PTSD symptoms are present in the day-to-day lives of people we care about. It also means that many people are navigating intimate partnerships while also dealing with the aftereffects of traumatic experiences.
So many factors impact how we show up day-to-day in our relationships, and trauma can feel particularly difficult to navigate. I want to offer some ways in which we can be supportive partners and ways in which we can consider asking for support when we need it. Remember, everybody is different, so consider how these make sense for you, your partner, and your relationships.
Three ways to support your partner who has experienced trauma:
- Help identify triggers together
- Depending on what your partner experienced, a particular sound, scent, or a date on the calendar, could be something that brings them right back to their trauma. The more you both can name what these are together, the better. Try to find time to do this outside of high stress moments.
- Avoid trying to “fix” things and focus on being present with them
- Healing happens in connection with others, but there is no magic word or therapeutic intervention that makes everything better. Your job is not to fix your partner, your job is to be in relationship with them, which means acknowledging their pain and loving them wholly. By simply offering consistency and presence for your partner, including during their painful moments, you create space for them to feel fully loved with all their complexities.
- Focus on partner’s positive qualities
- PTSD can distort someone’s sense of self, further isolating them and making it hard to maintain a positive self-image. Find ways to name and uplift positive qualities about your partner. SHALVA’s Seven Circles program for young couples in a committed relationship offers an entire section on “Self-Reflection and Relationship Values”.
Three ways to ask for support if you have experienced trauma:
- Communicate needs clearly, finding tangible ways they can help you.
- This is much easier said than done, but the more explicit you are in your request, the more effective your partner can be. For example: consider the difference between saying “I need support right now” vs. “Can you make me some tea and bring it to me? I feel like I can’t get out of bed right now” or “Touch doesn’t feel good right now, but I would love to have you in the room with me.” Explicit requests create clarity.
- Validate and acknowledge when you feel supported.
- This helps your partner to feel more connected and lets them know when they are doing things right! It makes it easier for them to know how to continue to offer care. Sometimes it can be hard to prioritize others’ needs when we are experiencing PTSD, so it is important to acknowledge the positive things you are getting from your partner. This reinforces the positive support you are getting and fuels your connection with one another.
- Seek individual support
- If you are experiencing significant challenges related to your trauma, prioritize seeking professional support. Your partner can be a wonderful person to lean on, but therapists are trained to offer specialized guidance to address trauma (this can be a both/and!). If you are looking for support related to past relationship abuse, consider reaching out to SHALVA to connect with one of our Trauma-Certified therapists. Services are always free and confidential.
Please note that no matter what your partner has experienced in their past, they should never make you feel unsafe. If you are experiencing complicated feelings about your relationship and your partner, and you aren’t sure what to do, call SHALVA at 773-583-HOPE(4673).
Author: Zoe Friedland is a therapist and educator. She loves creating opportunities for connection in both clinical and community spaces, especially when she gets the chance to incorporate her artistic practice.
For more information about PTSD, please visit: National Institute of Health – PTSD
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